As any baby who has never eaten grass knows, it is a scrumptious treat enjoyed only by those clever enough to subvert their Mommy’s or Daddy’s attempts to stop them, or the lucky spoiled babies whose parents love them more than mine do. For the poor souls whose parents do not love them enough to give them grass, I have devised a guide based on personal experience on how to obtain this delicacy.
Step One: Make Mommy take you outside. The best way to do this is to throw yourself towards the window or door while she is holding you. Don’t worry, she won’t let you fall no matter what you do because it is her job to hold onto you.
Step Two: Make Mommy set you down. I do this by completely letting go of Mommy and trying to slide down her leg. Make sure she sets you in the fluffy green stuff. That is the delicious part of outside.
Step Three: Pat the grass. Do this for a few minutes so that Mommy is not worried about you eating it. It feels nice anyways.
Step Four: Pick a piece of clover and study it intently. Do not, I repeat, do NOT, put it in your mouth yet. Mommy is waiting to see what you will do with it and will instantly foil your plan if you attempt to eat it at this moment.
Step Five: When Mommy looks away, close your hand around the clover so she cannot see it. This is important so that she does not realize it is still in your possession.
Step Six: Pretend to eat your hand while carefully maneuvering the clover into your mouth. If you do this with enough care, she will not notice. Unfortunately, my Mommy saw right through this attempt, so I had to try something else. If Step Six does not work, please continue. Otherwise, good job.
The “Mmm” Method:
This is the direct approach. The key here is to be persuasive. Pick a clover, look Mommy right in the eyes and say “Mmm!” while moving the clover to your mouth. If you can convince her you know it is delicious, she is sure to let you eat it.
The Misdirection Approach:
Stare off into the distance like you see something fascinating. While Mommy tries to find what you are studying, use the hand she is not holding to grab some clover and bring it to your mouth.
The Daddy Strategy:
Stare at home until Mommy calls Daddy outside to play too. Show him that Mommy is mean and won’t let you eat grass. If he loves you enough, he will let you eat it and Mommy will get in trouble for being a party pooper.
Some babies have suggested crying, but I have had little success with that. Usually my Mommy assumes I am hungry or need a diaper change when I cry, so she picks me up and takes me away from the grass. This is directly contrary to our objective, so I do not suggest this tactic.
Congratulations! You have now savored your first real food. Wasn’t it so much better than the pea/spinach/apple/mango stuff they make you eat?
*Disclaimer: None of these methods actually worked for me, but they all sound good in theory. I am certain that my experience was a fluke and if you follow this guide, you should have no trouble obtaining your first taste of grass.